Never seeing her proved okay for a while, but then the regret grew, and with no counter to my dark thoughts, they surged endlessly. My thoughts turned back towards something I had fallen into early in the loops: could I kill myself out of this nightmare? I tried…oh god, I tried. But no. I would die, and then the universe would later in the cycle, the time fracture traveling backwards past the point of my own death to the morning as it always did. Each cycle, wake up, grab the pistol, pull the trigger. Instantly wake back up in the same room, but dealing with the emotional fallout of ‘surviving’ a suicide.
I felt my body shaking from the fear of itself from the horror I had inflicted on it in the name of escaping. Or trying to anyway. I could not get out.
“I’m so so sorry…” I whimpered to myself, hugging myself to try to believe it. My eyes were watering. This was so painful, so confusing.
I was shaking hard at the overwhelming memories. ‘The positive, just focus on it. Just focus…’ But all I could do was grit my teeth at yet more regret. How the hatred I felt at myself for taking advantage of Proud that turned to suicide, then to unrequited rage at the girl who was the singular cause of the nightmare I was in.
I was on this endless rollercoaster of extreme emotions throughout the loops. Even after all the regret towards Proud, it then turned to anger. Blaming her for somehow involving me in all this. I didn’t want any of this, I didn’t want this nightmare.
My teeth hurt from how hard I was biting down, trying to not remember the time I tried killing her. Despite the slow learner I seemed to be with everything else, I only did this once.
I leveled the Liner pistol right at her. ‘Die bitch’ I had said to her confused face. I pulled the trigger, unloading half the clip into her, but…but it went right through her. I fell to my knees. ‘You really are just a figment of my imagination,’ crying at how crazy I was.
‘Would it make you feel better to actually let you shoot me? Try it Trego, if you really want, as dark as this path has become.’ To which my teary face pulled the trigger again at her, and was shocked when he body recoiled away, blood, or something similar, exploding out the backside. ‘Proud?’ I asked to her dead body, the bloody ribbon covering a massive crater in her head. The shock was so severe I turned the pistol on myself, and the darkness only crept on.
“No!” I shouted, trying to forget. Just remember the good, the times I actually was productive, not lost in despair or hatred. “It was not always bad! That was when I started changing!” I yelled to the world, trying to make it real.
Yes, focus on how during my self-killing spree, Proud came to me one trigger pull away and asked if there was anything she could do. I had not seen her since the crime of killing her, or perhaps crimes, I committed against her, and her innocent appearance before me nearly caused me to follow through yet again with the trigger. But I stopped long enough for her to tell me it pained her to see me this way, and ask why I was like this. She was here to help if I would only ask.
I told her reluctantly a big part of it was how bad I felt for taking advantage of her when so much was at stake, both having sex with her, and later shooting her in another iteration. When she laughed loudly, I lowered the pistol out of confusion. ‘How did you take advantage of me, if we both wanted it?’ she asked. She did not even mention the time when I had shot her because to her it was nothing. She said she was entirely joyful for the experience, and did not regret anything and wondered why I did. She said that the physical plane was overwhelming in its feelings, and to have experienced something like that with me, well, she’d remember forever. She said she loved me and hoped I would have asked earlier, or again. She lowered my pistol and we held hands, me crying for hours in her simple embrace until the end came again.