The killing sprees honed my abilities. I learned to fight with my fists, knives, my Liner pistol. Each cycle was a new challenge. How many could I kill with just my hands, or could I beat my score using my gun? It became this dark abyss where others only existed to see how many I could blow through. It didn’t matter when I was maimed, shot or imprisoned, I was reset every morning.
With women it was another challenge and at this point I no longer cared about ‘knowing them’ as it was pointless. It was easy at gunpoint but didn’t stimulate me the same way of manipulating their minds with perfect words and actions. My respect for them tanked down to zero. I could get any girl to be with me, it didn’t matter how loyal or pure she was. Enough predictive power or perfect words and they all melted. Eventually that game grew boring as well.
By the way, Proud? It was easy. I only had to ask. She was more than happy for the overwhelming feelings of the physical realm, and indeed it was quite amazing from my end; but that was the largest regret I had. Amidst my absolute depravity she represented perhaps the one untainted thing in this fractured world I inhabited, and I proceeded to destroy that as well.
My curiosities turned to sorrow and anguish. The hedonism left me cold and empty, the shallowness overwhelming that I had given in to. Soon it became a burden, thinking of all the crimes I had committed, even if they were not longer ‘actually done’. The pointlessness of everything amplified by a thousand experiences I had now come to hate. Especially what I did with Proud…or maybe it’d be better to say ‘what I did to Proud’.
We had come to love each other through the circumstance we were now in, a deep friendship from the stories we shared. Our friendship was not one of two different races of a physical being and a near-energy being creating a physical body, but of two consciousnesses that liked each other from so much time together.
Then I had sex with her simply to satisfy a burning question of if she would. And she did, and she loved it. As soon as it was over, I started crying. I was so stupid, so shallow. Defiling the last totem of sanity in this world left me broken and under no more delusions of how messed up I had become.
What the fuck was wrong with me? The universe was counting on my freewill to prevent this time fracture, and I was doing this to its incarnation? I was murdering people, manipulating every woman I could into sex, and fucking LineGod Proud instead of doing anything productive. I felt endlessly evil for taking advantage of her which I did many times ‘just to make sure’. That sent me on an even darker spiral for many, many time fractures.
I swung my arm around, trying to grab something else. I grabbed something soft, pulling it towards me; it was my white shirt. On the floor, holding the white shirt and the desk brought forth more grim memories of the even further pits I fell into.
‘But she was the sensual one, she wanted it!’ I would lie to myself, trying to justify the single action I hated myself the most for. My personal best for kills was over a thousand using just a pistol, most women was over ten, and that was due to my own physical limitation, but none of those compared to the final break in sanity by using Proud.
Her name was ‘Proud’ and that was nowhere near what I felt about my actions, only all-consuming regret and self-hatred. The shame was overwhelming, and then it was eventually mixed with hopelessness of my position. I had forsaken seeing Proud again because I felt so bad for what I did for so many times before I finally snapped.